START AGAIN and change UNUSUAL parts below to FREESTYLE granola? (basically chaning Unusual as a direction. Need to think of shares – SLUTTY granola? FANTASY granola? BEST, GREATEST, ULTIMATE,
There’s a joke in ‘Divorce’ (the Sharon Horgan/Sarah Jessica Parkhurst comedy) where we’re told that the man SJP’s been having an affair with makes his own granola.
This is meant to infer that he is a bit of a ponce.
This makes me happy for two reasons.
- I make my own granola.
- The guy she’s had sex with 32 times behind her husband’s back is Jemaine from Flight of the Concords.
There is NOTHING wrong with making your own granola. If it’s good enough for Jemaine then it’s definitely good enough for you.
(There’s also nothing wrong with being a bit of a ponce).
However, most granola is just slutty muesli. Sugary shit. We want healthy, nutrient dense and quality.
This is where my highly-personalised freestyle gonzo granola fits the bill.
How to make Unusual Granola.
Grains & Cereals – Good as a base. You don’t have to use them. You’re a granola conquistador. Drop them if you want to go easy on the carbs.
- All Bran is best (great fibre and goes really nice and crispy), then rolled oats or rye, spelt, barley flakes etc. It’s your unusual life so use shop bought muesli or cereal if you so damn please – just be aware it’s usually high in sugar and slutty carbs.
Nuts & Seeds – Where the magic happens. Plain versions are healthiest, but salted and flavoured in moderation are a great taste explosion. You might need to smash them up into smaller chunks with a rolling pin (or bite them and spit them into the mix like I do with brazils – hygiene is subjective).
- Almonds, walnuts, pecans, peanuts, cashews (surprisingly high in carbs), brazils (high in selenium so no more than 4 or 5 a day), pistachios (shelled, unless you’re an idiot with iron teeth), macadadays, redskins etc.
- Seeds – Pumpkin, sunflower, chia, omega seed mix, sesame, linseed etc. Perfect for getting jammed between your teeth and annoying you later.
Dried Fruit – Go easy as they’re brimming with simpleton sugars and only add for last minute or so otherwise they become lifeless.
- Mango (in your mouth), cranberries, papaya, goji, raisins, banana chips, dates, apricot, pineapple etc – anything goes.
Freestyle – This is where you shine. This is where your life has always been leading. Experimentation and novelty are the secrets to
a happy sex an Unusual Life.
- Dark chocolate drops, cacao nibs, coconut chips (add both for last few mins), vanilla extract, curry powder, flaked almonds, peanut butter powder, Marmite cashews, cinnamon, coconut oil etc.
Try different ideas. Each batch is a new chance to go mental and free yourself from the tyrrany of repetition.
Don’t ruin it and let down your entire family by adding honey or sugar like a giant baby. There’s enough taste in here without having to kowtow to your pathetic tastebuds.
Bargain hunter tip – Always be on the lookout for good value nuts and seeds (bulk buying on the internet and/or bargain supermarkets like Lidl and Home Bargains etc are the ways of the frugal. Don’t pay for nice packaging. If they’re raw nuts then branding makes fuck all difference).
Note – I LOVE mooching around supermarkets and shops looking for food bargains and offers. You may not. I feel sorry for you if you don’t.
All Bran (organic because it was on offer/I’m an idiot. Normal All Bran is fine. Steal it from hotel breakfast buffets and you might get some with Arabic writing on which lends an exotic touch to your unusual granola).
Mixed nuts (battered with a rolling pin) – Walnuts, almonds, cashews, brazils.
Mixed seeds – Pumpkin, sesame, omega sprinkle (sounds like a healthy wee), sunflower, linseed, chia.
100% organic cacao nibs, vanilla extract, flaked almonds and marmite cashews (just past best before and well soft after being neglected in the cupboard), pinch of salt, a few scrapings of coconut oil.
100% cocoa drops, coconut chips and dried fruit (from a bag of trail mix)
Pre-heat the oven to 200°C.
Line a tray with baking paper.
Mix most of the ingredients together in the tray.
Stick in the oven for 8 minutes (do some air squats or calf raises on the stairs, or just stare at the apps on your phone thinking about which ones to delete).
Remove tray and add dried fruit, cocoa drops and coconut chips.
Back in the oven for 1-2 more minutes (or add them all at the end and stir into the cooling mixture).
Take out the oven and let cool. Drink in that smell. Hot and roasty.
Once cooled, put in a storage container (It lasts for ages) and squirrel away in the cupboard for when desired (and you will desire).
How to eat:
Like a ponce.
A few of my habits.
- Eat straight from the containers via frantic pinched fingers.
- Add to greek yoghurt (for added protein whip half a scoop of whey into the Fage).
- Use instead of cereal with milk (cow, soy, goat, dog etc)
- Add in a smoothie and blitzkrieg it.
Pretty calorific but hard to say exactly. I just eyeball it and freestyle. I’m a maverick. Measure each bit if you want more accuracy.
Plenty of healthy fats, protein and healthy carbs. It’s all good stuff.
I don’t live in a New York loft, or have read the instructions on my DSLR, so just imagine beautiful food porn photography.